Vatican Speaks Out About Virgin Births

By Ron Glass

February 13, 2016

After over two years of silence, the Vatican released its official position on the rash of “virgin births” that took place beginning in 2013. The announcement came earlier today through a spokesman for the Holy See.

“The Catholic Church denies these so-called virgin births are signs of the Second Coming,” said Monsignor Horatio Sellers. “After an extensive investigation by the Vatican, it has been determined that there is nothing miraculous about any of the children, other than the coincidence that none of them have reliably established paternity.”

Monsignor Sellers released the full text of the statement to the media, after reading a brief summary. “His Holiness, sitting ex cathedra, has declared that the Christ has not returned, and that any church claiming to shelter the Lord within its walls is speaking heresy,” the statement said.

Ex cathedra, literally “from the chair,” is the Catholic Church’s way of invoking papal infallibility. Any statement issued by the Pope in this manner is considered binding and definitive on the whole of the Church.

Papal infallibility is rarely invoked. The last time a pope spoke ex cathedra was in 1950, when Pope Pius XII issued the Munificentissimus Deus, defining the Assumption of Mary. This doctrine holds that the Virgin Mary, at the end of her life, physically ascended into Heaven.

When asked about the need for the statement, Sellers stated that the Pope felt it was necessary to protect the faithful from the tricks of those who would pray upon their faith. “It is all too easy for the deeply faithful to fall prey to the depredations of the unjust, who would use these strange births as a means of leading them astray with talk of false prophets and the eminent return of Christ.”

As for the delay in the making of any statement Sellers commented, “It is a rare thing for His Holiness to speak ex cathedra. The Church wanted to make a thorough investigation of the claims of miraculous births. That investigation is now concluded and the Holy Father has made his statement.”

The Vatican employs a host of “miracle investigators,” priests trained in the scientific method to study claims of miraculous occurrences. Known as the Sacred Congregation of Causes for Saints, this body is charged by the Vatican with investigating all miracles referred to the Holy See.